There was a day that changed my life. It was the day after I was very angry and blew up at Heather, my wife. On a day like this, I would typically wake up and make a choice. I would decide if I would still be angry and treat Heather poorly or would I try to just leave it all in the past and move on without really dealing with it. What was different about this day? I discovered a third choice. I made the choice to ask myself a very important question. I took time to reflect and answer the question, “Why did I get so angry and respond that way?” I didn't do it just once. I did it several times until I got to the real answer. “I got angry because she did . . .” “I got angry because she did not show me respect.” “I got angry because if she does not respect me then she does not really love me.” “I got angry because I felt out of control.” “I got angry because I was afraid.” Bingo!
Yoda was right. “Fear leads to anger.” It did not just stop there. I reflected back to every time I could think of when I responded in anger, and I started paying attention when I started to feel angry. Each time I could trace it back to a fear of not being in control, a fear of not being understood, or a fear of something I do not understand.
This works on a larger scale and with more important issues. Discrimination is a manifestation of anger that is a result of fear from not understanding and a fear of losing control. Road rage is a result of a feeling of loss of control of what is happening on the road.
So how do we respond? How do we overcome our fear of lack of control or lack of understanding in order to be angry less often? We trust others. We do that by gaining understanding. If I am angry at someone or something I have to ask myself, “What part of this can I control?” For situations that I can not control, I have to ask myself, “How can I better understand this person or situation so it does not scare me?” “How do I trust others more?”
The more I reflected on this I began to wonder if there is a connection of fear to other negative emotions. If anger is a fear of a lack of control or understanding, what about stress, worry, anxiety, shame and guilt.
Let’s look at anxiety and worry. When we worry and are anxious are we afraid of something and if so, what is it? Don’t forget, you have to ask yourself, “Why am I worried?” enough times to get to the real answer. When we are anxious and worried we are afraid of the unknown or a perceived future. According to Psychology Today, Penn State did an extensive study, and “91 percent of worries were false alarms. And of the remaining 9 percent of worries that did come true, the outcome was better than expected about a third of the time. For about one in four participants, exactly zero of their worries materialized.”1
We might try to say, “I just don’t like change.” That is not deep enough. Joe Vitale said “You don’t fear change. You fear the unknown. If you knew the future would be great, you would welcome the change to get there. . .”
The way to defeat worry and anxiety is to trust God. He is the only one who knows what the future holds. We respond to that trust by taking action. The more we are living in the present and not thinking about the future the less worry and anxiety we will have.
How about stress? Wouldn’t it be nice to have less stress? When I looked at stress I did not like what I found. Yes, it was fear, but fear of what? When I am feeling stressed I am afraid that I am inadequate. I am afraid I do not have what it takes to handle the situation or situations I am dealing with in the present moment. Remember, worry is all about a perceived future. Stress is about a present reality.
How do we handle stress? How do we deal with this fear of inadequacy? We trust ourselves. At the risk of sounding trite and oversimplified, I have only found two ways to deal with this fear. The first is to do my best. The only way to know if I have what it takes is to give it my best effort. I can’t give any more than that, and if I give anything less, I will be left still wondering if I have what it takes. The second one is to recognize that sometimes I don’t have what it takes. I am inadequate. I don’t have to be perfect. I am not great at everything I try. I am weak in some areas. When I find myself in this position I have to lean into my relationship with God through Jesus Christ. “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”2
The last two I want to look at are closely related. They are guilt and shame. “Guilt is a feeling you get when you did something wrong, or perceived you did something wrong. Shame is a feeling that your whole self is wrong, and it may not be related to a specific behavior or event.”3
Worry is the future and stress is the present. Shame and guilt are tied to the fear of your past. We ask ourselves questions like, “What if someone finds out what I did?” “What will happen when everyone figures out who I really am?”
How do we get past our past? How do we deal with the fear of our past? We trust the Truth. We are not what we have done. There are three steps to overcoming this fear. First, in order to overcome shame and guilt, own your part. If you did something, take responsibility for it. The second thing you have to do is seek forgiveness and make restitution if needed. There are three people you have to seek forgiveness from. The first is the person or people that were hurt by what you did. If you need to make restitution with any of these people, take care of it. The second is God. This one is great because He already forgave you on the cross through Jesus. You just have to accept it. Jesus already took care of the restitution. The last person can be the hardest. You have to forgive yourself.
The final step to overcoming shame and guilt is to leave it in the past. It is already there, but we keep trying to drag it along with us. We strive to take what we have done and make it part of our identity. I did not just steal something, I am a thief. I did not just lie, I am a liar. Instead of dragging these false beliefs around and wearing these labels, we need to replace them with the truth. God does not see us that way so neither should we. Walk in your true identity as a chosen son or daughter of the Highest King. You are an heir to the Kingdom of God. You are the apple of your Father’s eye. You are loved. You are amazing. You are special. You are worth it. Do not walk in fear. Walk boldly because your Father is walking with you. “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.”4
One final thought on this. Sometimes these feelings of fear and the other emotions tied to them run very deep. Yes, God can walk with you, bring healing, and give you strength to face these fears.. However, sometimes he does that through other people. Sometimes it takes a good friend, a pastor, or a professional therapist to journey through these emotions with us. This is not a road you have to travel alone. It is not cowardly or a sign of weakness to ask for help. It is a sign of true courage and strength.
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1. Seth J. Gillihan Ph.D., How Often Do Your Worries Actually Come True?, July 19, 2019 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/think-act-be/201907/how-often-do-your-worries-actually-come-true
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